(The St. Thomas Rutherford hospital lobby in December 2015)
It is currently April of 2017, but as I am restarting this blog, I felt it would be helpful to have some looks back to the beginning of all of this, and how we were feeling at that time and what we were thinking. One of the main purposes of this blog is to provide some comfort and encouragement to those who may be battling similar situations. Below, is verbatim my second journal entry on this journey. It was Thursday, January 7, 2016….
“Day 13 in hospital for initial stay. I wasn’t able to write much yesterday as I was seen by ophthalmology (my eyes had been intensely dry) and they dilated my eyes so I was blurry most of the day. Yesterday was quite a shift of a day and it felt like it was the beginning of the next step in this process. We got the pathology report back on the tumor that was removed from my jejunum (small intestine) and it was indeed choriocarcinoma. As bad as that is, it was actually pleasing news at this time since it gave us the opportunity to have a hard and fast diagnosis, with no question of other options. That gives us greater confidence in treating aggressively as is being recommended. Not far after that news I went down for my first whole brain radiation treatment. Robby took me down and Ellie came along for the ride. 1 treatment down, only 14 to go. They gave her a special bear while she was down there and one to take up to Clara as well. I will do those treatments daily, Monday-Friday, until I ha e completed 15. We don’t have an exact date for the start of chemo yet, but I did sign all the consents for that treatment yesterday and we will be getting more information soon. I don’t feel afraid of chemo. I can already see in my brain, what I will look like with no hair and a dwindling weight. I think I am as prepared for that as I can be. If I am worried about anything, it’s the kids. Praise God for the grace that has been on them thus far, but it is going to be a very long road ahead, with a lot of variability as to how present and available their mommy is.
After being woken up early by residents this morning, which is typical, I got a word that I believe is my ultimate message to profess through all of this. I saw a picture (in my mind) of me bald, sitting with my 3 kids. The message is this: the truth of this cancer is that if I hadn’t of had these kids, I wouldn’t have this cancer, because it came from fetal tissue. However, there is no level of suffering that makes them not worth it. The same is true of God. If He had not created us, His children, He would have never had to make the greatest sacrifice of all…His son. However, He knew all of that and He still made us despite the sacrifice forthcoming and the extreme and humanly unbearable suffering that His son would be put through. It was worth it though, because of His great love for us and His desire for a relationship with us. If you do not know Him, now is the time!”
“But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” –Isaiah 40:3–