We are right around the corner from the 1 year mark of when this all started. In the beginning, I was asking the Lord “why”? Why is this happening to me, to us? What is the purpose for it all? Are there reasons that I can see now that will help this all make more sense to me and make it more bearable? A journal entry from the beginning of March included what I had seen the Lord do through our process even that early into it. He was bringing forth healing, proving Himself to be Provider, uniting the body of Christ, strengthening our marriage, and giving us dreams and visions for the future. Those were all things that gave me encouragement, even while enduring hardship.
This time though, I was thrown for a loop. We had already come through the process, so I thought. We had already endured our suffering. We had already shared and grown and ministered as we were led. We had been prayed for by so many. So why am I sick again and why am I having to restart chemo right when I was getting back to “normal”? I had just been able to go back to work. I had just been able to start exercising again. And I was finally able to wear my hair without a hat. Seriously!?!
Then the Lord showed me. “Why are you asking why?” He revealed to me, that even if He explained everything or gave a reason to us for everything that happens in our lives, what would that do for us? What if we didn’t understand it or didn’t agree with why something was happening? Would the knowledge of why actually make it better? Would I, in my finite knowledge be able to comprehend the infinite magnitude of His plans? Instead of asking why something is happening, we should just be asking “Lord, what do you want me to do with this or how would You have me respond?” That is the question that will actually make a difference in our lives and will not lead us to a place of doubt or fear, but to a place of trust in Him and His ultimate goodness despite our circumstances. Asking this question will lead us to a place of knowing that His grace is sufficient, even when we don’t understand!
Then…we are able to stop worrying. Stop trying to figure out something that is beyond us. Stop attempting to force our situation into a box that will fit into our heads. Then we can rest. Rest in His grace. Rest in knowing that we don’t have to know why. We just have to know where and to Whom to run.